


I'm prepared for a lot of things (and a thousand more if you're by my side)

by Imiaslavie



Series: once I truly have you (I won't let you go) [Roceit + platonic Loroceit AU] [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (Just a little bit), Character Study, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, Platonic Love, Post Episode: Selfishness vs. Selflessness, Supportive Logan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-06 05:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19055842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imiaslavie/pseuds/Imiaslavie
Summary: Roman was prepared to die inside, bit by bit, each time he would have to fake a smile for his family.He has the skill honed to perfection. He knows just the right way to curve his lips and squint his eyes to make a smile believable. No one has caught up yet.He was prepared.In the end, he doesn't need to.





	I'm prepared for a lot of things (and a thousand more if you're by my side)

**Author's Note:**

> To understand this, you need to read the previous parts. Think of the parts of the series as chapters.
> 
> This series is becoming very important to me. I channel a lot of my personal views on the show and the world into this, speak through Roman and others. It's... I enjoy the process of writing these instalments very much.
> 
> I want to make it slow. I want them all to walk toward each other at a sensible pace, to get acquainted and learn to trust.
> 
> Not beta-ed.

Roman was prepared to die inside, bit by bit, each time he would have to fake a smile for his family.

He has the skill honed to perfection. He knows just the right way to curve his lips and squint his eyes to make a smile believable. No one has caught up yet. And he was prepared to smile for Patton, thanking him for breakfast. To smile for Virgil, approving yet another one of his nicknames. For Thomas, accepting his praise for a perfect line reading. For Logan, teasing him about the choice to reread the same book for the umpteenth time.

He was prepared.

In the end, he doesn't need to.

“Lo, can you spell _conscious_ for me please?” Roman says, his hand paused over the script. Logan spells it. Roman thanks him and finishes the sentence on the paper. Warmth bubbles in his chest, just as it does each time he's reminded that Logan is there for him. Roman asked him for a small thing, something he could very well do himself with the help of a dictionary, and Logan not only didn't refuse, he stopped writing whatever he was writing on his whiteboard to give the answer and only then resumed his work. No rejection. No condescending. Full attention. It may not sound like much, but to Roman it means everything.

It's still hard, talking to the others. They all act nice against him, caring and sweet (or, in Virgil's case, less bitchy), but... it's not what Roman needs. He needs them to show an ounce of concern, to doubt, just for a second, that imperfect mask of _I'm well_ that he wears. He doesn't want to be seen as a sacrificial hero. He doesn't want them to think that he believes the grandness of his sacrifice makes him feel good enough to forget the disappointment of his dream dying. It's the farthest thing from the truth.

Roman doesn't entertain a thought of telling them yet.

There's a multitude of reasons, so complicated and intertwined in crazy ways that his numerous conversations with Logan are yet to cover them all. But most important one being that Roman wants to have more of _this_.

Of revelling in the new-found connection and trust with his beloved friend. Of talking for hours on end and not being afraid to be critiqued or ridiculed. Of sharing silence and starry nights in his dominion. Of meeting each other's eyes across the room and feeling supported.

Others don't notice anything but the increased amount of time Roman spends with Logan. They speak of their approval in a light-hearted way and don't think it's weird that Creativity and Logic suddenly buried the hatchet. Maybe it's because Patton and Virgil have started spending more time with each other rather than engaging everyone in a multitude of one-on-one contacts. It feels like instead of a group of four they're now two groups of two that sometimes interact. Paired up like high-schoolers.

But there isn't just four of them in the Upper Rooms of the Mindscape, is there?

Deceit is a frequent silent guest, slowly learning the corridors and passages and rooms of the place that until recently was inhabited only by the Light Sides.

Deceit.

The puzzle on Roman's mind. A mystery. An enigma. A contradiction that fills Roman's thoughts and makes him think, dream, scheme, ponder. Nothing about his behavior makes sense. And Roman isn't any good with theorizing or trying to analyze, no. It's Logan's domain more than anything.

Roman's eyes dart to his dear logical friend.

The alarm trill breaks the silence before he even can open his mouth.

“Is it time for the break already?” Logan says in an absent-minded voice, his eyes still on the desk. “A shame. I have only the last three days of June to pl–” Roman coughs. Logan blinks owlishly, looks at Roman. “Ah. Of course. You're right. I can always finish after the break.”

Roman watches with pride at how Logan puts the marker down. The first two weeks after they decided to have breaks from work and vowed to follow the alarm no matter what, they both struggled, always finding reasons to work just a bit more. _My inspiration might flow away!_ Roman would say. _I'd rather finish this task now to start with a new one after the break_ , Logan would say. After realizing they're both horrible at self-control for the sake of self-care, Roman charmed the alarm to be turned off only by saying one specific phrase that would remind them of why are they doing all of it.

“By not taking a break we exhaust our brains which results in lackluster results and ruins our schedule,” Roman declares, grinning. The alarm obediently stops. “Tea?”

Logan nods, taking his seat on one of the numerous cushions on the floor, careful not to crumple any of the sketches or notebook pages. Roman snaps his fingers, calling for the tray with mugs of cold tea they left in the fridge earlier. The tray appears on the low table. Besides the two mugs there's also a plate of neat little sandwiches.

Roman sighs. “In moments like this I completely forget that things aren't completely alright between us.” He sits down, staring at the sandwiches made by Patton's hand.

“He does care for us,” Logan says, reaching for his mug.

“Yeah... I know. I care about him too. I just...” Roman falls silent. He bites on his lower lip and looks up to meet Logan's eyes. Ah. Yes, of course. Logan knows. Understanding in his kind eyes is unmistakable. Roman is so, so grateful.

They have their lunch in comfortable silence, swift breeze smelling faintly of the sea flowing through the room. The window is open wide, curtains being played by the wind. The sun warms Roman's thighs. It's a lovely day. He hasn't called for the seashore in a long time, content with forests and valleys behind the window, but today he just felt like it, felt a slight yearning for sea salt and sand hot enough to burn your feet in a pleasant way.

It's peaceful. Very good at making the ache he always carries in his chest fade.

But nothing can stifle his curiosity and the need to uncover the unknown.

“Hey, Lo...” Roman starts, unsurely. Logan nods at him encouragingly. “Say... you were on stuck on a puzzle, or a question, anything, and you couldn't solve it no matter how hard you tried. If nothing worked. Where would you start? What would you do?”

Logan hums thoughtfully. “If I had all the data but wasn't able to reach a conclusion?” Roman nods. “Well then. I'd try to go about it backwards. I'd make a list of assumptions that seem most probable and try to make my data fit them. It would help to see the links that I haven't seen before that and look at the situation from a new standpoint. Basically," Logan fixes his glasses, "you would be playing with _what-if_ s, no matter how ridiculous they are, until one of them will make sense. One of those is bound to lead you to your answer.”

“Oh,” Roman says. So... to get an answer he needs to imagine that answer first? _That_ he can do. “Thanks, teach!”

Logan nods and summons a book, a thin thing with a crumbling cover. Poems, probably. Logan prefers to read those whenever they have a break. Much less chance to be forced back into work in the middle of an intense chapter.

Go backwards... Roman plops down on the pillows, the sun now tickling his naked calves. What are the options here? Deceit can be entirely a bad guy. Be a good guy. He can play a long-term game to hurt the Light Sides. Or he could just try to help them. Maybe he is here only to cause mayhem. Maybe he is... No, Roman's mind can't reach further, at least for now. Better try to deal with what he already has.

Deceit being the most evilest of evils clearly isn't true. Not with how he, with one well-timed conversation and sharp words, put Roman on the path of true healing. Which helped Logan too! They both have been nursing so much agony in their hearts, and now they truly have each other to soothe the pain. It can't be a long-term play either. Deceit stands nothing to gain from making two Sides healthier and happier... Unless? Unless this _is_ his gain? What if there's no evil plan to ruin them? What if their happiness does matter to Deceit? No, that doesn't fit either, not perfectly. Not with how much anger and suspicion and aggression his actions instil in others. Not like he does it on purpose, of course...

Purpose... What was it that Patton said? Inner coach, was it? And something else. The man can't be just lies, it's not how any of them work, Deceit was very good at reminding Roman of it during the trial, asking everyone about their functions. And Deceit... he is all about self, isn't he? Roman himself is acutely familiar with being responsible for things concerning Thomas' perception of self, being his self-worth. He took a huge hit during the trial disaster. In those hours, until Deceit came and turned his world upside down, he felt completely worthless. Like he didn't matter... especially when compared to others. Like he has fewer rights, has less worth than anyone he knows.

Anger bubbles in Roman's chest. And Patton thought this is normal? Making him, which means making Thomas, feel like his wishes don't matter at all? It goes beyond simply being not fair. It's wrong. It's...It's...

It’s something that Deceit tried to prevent, didn't he?

But he failed. Roman's biggest dream was crushed, Thomas spent hours at the wedding, playing that stupid game on his phone, aimlessly walking around and trying to network, eating overly-sweet cake and watching sadly at all the other happy couples. No, sure, he was glad for Lee and Mary Lee and their new-forged union...

But all his thoughts were deeply set on the callback.

Thomas, his dear darling Thomas, kept thinking about other actors taking their chance, about the person in charge of invitations crossing his name out of the list. _I've missed my chance_ , steady and sullen, drummed in his head while he had a smile plastered on his face.

He was miserable.

God, only maybe if Deceit didn't suck so much in doing what he was supposed to—

Roman sits up in one swift motion, his head becoming light for a second.

“Roman?” Logan is quick to react. “Something wrong?”

“No? Yes? I don't know? I just... I think I got it.” Logan cocks his head in a silent question. “The answer to my question! That puzzle thing. It's not a thing, though. Or a puzzle. It's...” He takes a deep breath. “It's Deceit.” Logan studies Roman for a couple of seconds and puts down his book. Roman smiles at him gratefully. “He just... been driving me crazy, you know? He does something, and then something that contradicts it, and then something that contradicts _it_ , and... I wanted to make sense of him. At least because I feel grateful. I... I don't think he is a bad guy, Lo,” he says, his voice barely a whisper. “I think he is just bad at being good.”

Logan's fingers caress the thin spine of the book. “His intentions, in the way that he presents them, do seem to correlate poorly with his actions. But whatever his intentions are, I can't say I believe into the _Ends justify the means_ ideology.”

“What if we just need to show him other means?” Roman says with enthusiasm. “He's wrong a lot, but he's never completely wrong. I... I want to try to give him a chance.”

“Don't you think that maybe you're just biased?” Logan arches his eyebrow.

Roman purses his lips. That might just be the case. But...

“I already made a mistake of purposefully and blindly ignoring one of my fellow Sides once. I don't want to do it again. If there's a chance we might have Deceit working with us, not against us... I want to take it. I'm not saying he is all pure sunshine and innocence. But if he really wants to help — I want to let him do it.”

Logan has that thoughtful expression on his face, like his mind is far away, like he is trying to calculate each and every possibility before saying his piece. Roman swallows nervously. What if there was some critical error in his thinking? What if he missed something important, and that important was obvious, and he is a fool, and looks like a fool, and—

“Okay,” Logan says as-a-matter-of-fact. Roman stares at him. Logan looks at him back, calmness in his eyes. “I'm with you. I'll do my best in helping you to find out whether there's merit to your theory.” Logan's lips curl into a wry smile. “You aren't the only one loving a good mystery.”

 _So this is what being truly supported feels like_ , Roman thinks, his head coming down to rest on a pillow near Logan's knee. Logan reads poems out loud, and they exchange words about the metaphors' usage and rhythm's failings, and one poem Roman asks him to read thrice because it's really good, and Logan laughs when Roman gives a tiny high-pitched sneeze because the sun tickled his nose.

And even if Roman's wrong, even if there's nothing redeemable in Deceit... It will be fine. They will be fine. He has Logan, and Logan has him, and the time will (probably, hopefully) come when they'll open up to others and be accepted.

Roman is prepared for this.

But still... he wishes to be right.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm planning to write this series in Deceit-Logan-Roman POVs order, but I'm not 100% sure about that. If I do pull that off, expect a Deceit's part of the story next.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read it. If there's anything you'd like to discuss about the story, I'd love to talk with you.


End file.
